Curvy Couture

So here is the thing. I have my first ever appointment scheduled next week to try on wedding dresses!! And this has been a roller coaster of a process. I initially was SO excited and happy, immediately after becoming engaged, to go through the dress process. I am that girl. The girl who is all girly and wants to have the white dress, and I'm not even opposed to it looking like a cupcake. I am not a feminist or they type of girl who rolls her eyes at weddings and wedding dresses and all that jazz. I actually am not that big of a fan of women who ARE like that. They are on some rampage path all the time it seems like to put women like me down and say we are quaint, or even worse uneducated or ignorant. No, actually that is not the case. I am just girly and want a white poofy dress. So sue me.

I digress. My point of this post is actually something a bit different. Once I calmed from my initial excitement over wedding dress shopping, I realized that shopping for me wouldn't be quite so easy. I am a plus-sized gal, this is no secret. But it would appear that unfortunately most of society still seems to adhere to the thought that us plus-sized gals must want to fat-shame ourselves and wear either sweatpants, shirts that are made of cotton and have applique flowers on them, or glorified pajama tops. Aside from Lane Bryant and a small third floor hidden secret at Macy's, it is often hard to find stylish clothes. Now, I'm not saying it is impossible, and it is branching out way more now than it used to. But there is still a challenge. I can't just shop at any store .Just simply can't. I have to find stores that carry women's sizes, and even then I have to dig through the unbearably awful sweatpantsteeshirt racks before I find the two outfits that look somewhat less horrifying and I could maybe do something with.

But then there are wedding dresses. A whole different ball game. As if being a big girl wasn't bad enough, wedding dresses run small. Like, really small. So I'm taking my already large size and adding a couple sizes to it just to fit in something. So all my excitement slowly began to fade and turn into nervous fear, and the realization that I will indeed be getting married in a smock. Bedazzled of course. So I diligently began looking at gowns online to find who carries what sizes and what my choices are. And there are many bridal stores out there that DO carry plus-size gowns, but most of them don't carry them in the store. Instead they squeeze you into the sample size and you by a gown that you really, honestly may not have any idea what it looks like on you. And I realize that 90% of brides are clipped into their dresses during their initial fittings, and have to have alterations. But there is a big difference between taking it in or out a few inches, verses taking a Size 20 girl and putting here in a size 10 dress and saying “Imagine it...close your eyes....here comes the bride....” No, bitch I will not imagine it. I cannot breathe, my 18 backfat rolls that I SO judiciously worked on hiding this morning are now out in full view for the pack of sorority girls to my left who are trying on size 2 dresses and taking them IN. And yes. I've personally been through this, a la David's Bridal. The associate who was assigned to our appointment actually seemed disgusted and annoyed that a large girl would even want to try on a dress, and yet this is a store that boasts they carry through sizes 30W. Now, to be fair, I did recently speak to a bride who had a FANTASTIC experience at David's Bridal, and she recommended them, so I know that every experience is different.

And to make matters worse, in my online researching, I went to the plus-size section for one site, gleeful to find they carried almost a hundred designs in plus-size. But much to my dismay – and actually my shock – the models wearing the gown on the website were sickly looking. Really, really tall girls who were wafer thin and their bones were far more prominent than the actual gown. I actually gasped when I saw the page. And on another site I visited, I came across a hack-job of a photoshop portrayal of a “big girl” - yes. It was called a big girl. And it was an Asian woman's head hastily taped to the body of...something. A pudding pop perhaps? I have no idea. But it was awful. There were “rolls” that looked hand-drawn on to a skinny model.

Now, before I continue some of you may be thinking “But Micha! It is your wedding!! Lose weight! Be skinny!”. Well, if it were that simple to lose weight and be skinny for me, then wouldn't I um....be skinny??! I have struggled with my weight my entire life, no secret, and I am often very public about my journey(s) to health and wellness and a better me. And I will always continue on that journey, and I recognize my own health concerns, and my quest is NEVER about being skinny for the sake of being skinny. It is ALWAYS about health. And wouldn't it be nice if I lost all this weight and was magically skinny before my wedding?! No. Actually, I prefer a more realistic approach. I've watched brides literally starve themselves to be perfection for their wedding day. I've seen them do it for the gown, for the pictures, for the groom – all kinds of reasons. But that just isn't me. My wedding is uber important to me, and the day will be magical I'm sure. But I'm going to be me. And honestly, I know me, and I'm not going to starve myself and loose 100 lbs before November. Will I mind my P's and Q's and eat better and watch my portions and make sure I feel beautiful from within? YES. Andrew adores me for me. He loves every single one of my imperfections. And yes, I'm crazy enough that I've actually sat next to him and listed them, practically alphabetically, and said “Are you SUUUUUURE you're okay with my fat rolls?! The fact that I have hair in weird places sometimes?! My double chins?! I HAVE A MOLE ON MY BACK FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAN TURN BACK NOW!!!!!!!!!!!”

And he smiles. And tells me he loves me for me, and accepts me in all stages of my journey, the good, bad, and the ugly. He is marrying me. All of me. And he adores me, and tells me I'm beautiful and guess what? I know he means it. How crazy is THAT to feel that he MEANS it y'all?!

So. Ultimately, after a lot of thought I eventually have come full circle on this issue. I kept up my quest to find a gown, and I came across a fantastic bridal boutique in Cincinnati, Ohio called Belle Bridal Boutique Curvy Couture. It is a bridal shop that does not carry ANY size below a size 12, and they cater only to us plus-sized gals. They only offer private appointments, and they ONLY carry samples sizes in plus-sizes. So when you try on your gown, you are not pinned into anything, you are wearing a gown that is your size, and may just need those few inches here or there. And they carry all the way up to a size 32W, so when they say plus-size they mean it! I called and spoke to them, and they were so sweet. They focus on the bride feeling beautiful. I read probably 200 reviews on them, and at least half of them said the owners never even asked their size – they just knew by looking and brought them gown after gown to try on. So for one day, I will feel like the cupcake princess that I want to feel like!

If you're still reading, good for you. My point is this: I struggle with my weight because I am too big. Some women struggle with their weight because they are too small. Some women, who look damn near perfect to me, struggle with their weight!! Ladies, let's be friends, okay? We don't know what any other woman is going through, and it is SO unfair to judge a girl and her wants and needs based on her size. My wedding is going to be beautiful, and I'm going to feel beautiful inside and out that day because I am loved by an incredible man, and will be surround by family and friends, and not ONE of them will be staring at my chin(s). And I'm going to have pictures taken of my wedding, just as I am. Because I don't want to look back in 5 years and sigh and get down because I was “so skinny” for my wedding. Beauty is not defined by size. Happiness is defined from within. So find that. And go be awesome.