And I said to myself, "Self...I have some questions for you."

So today’s post may be a bit more sappy and/or serious than usual. But this is the one place where I can be those things and no one can really complain because I’m not filling your news feed. You made a conscious decision to click on the link and read my blog. So HA! (but seriously, thanks for reading!)

Recently, as we near closer and closer to the wedding (13 weeks!! WEEKS I TELL YOU!!!) I have been spending more and more time thinking about the marriage. I have of course been planning my perfect purple flowers, my gorgeous vintage china plates, and spending hours trying to decide what to do for lighting at the reception. But ultimately, at least 5 times a week, I stop and say, “It isn’t about all that. I want the marriage.” Let me explain.

I am so in love with my Andrew. I mean, head over heels, he makes my heart skip a beat, best friend in the world soul-mate kind of love. But recently I had to really take a moment and put all the crazy wedding aside and ask myself all the hard questions. Like, the questions I did NOT want to ask, but felt I needed to. I have been known to be somewhat of a fairytale romantic. And I have also been known to have some pretty terrible awful evil boyfriends who do things like cheat on me with five women. At the same time. You know. The usual.

But with Andrew it was so very different. It wasn’t fairytale at all. Here is a little secret: We work HARD at our relationship. It is not perfect, nor will it ever be. I am not disillusioned to think otherwise. We both have to put forth effort to communicate, compromise, check-in, and truly work on our relationship daily. Never do we go on auto-pilot and assume the kinks will work themselves out. I fell hopelessly in love with Andrew so fast it scared me. I spent weeks and weeks trying to talk myself out of it, thinking it was too soon, or just me being the damsel. But the more and more I got to know him, the more I fell deeply in love with this man who made me believe in the term “soul-mate.” And after two years together, and a wedding on the way, I still had to sit down and ask myself some hard questions.

1. Do I want the wedding, or the marriage?
    
   I read an article today (which inspired me to write this post) and I took away a few quotes from it that seemed fitting. First,
    
   “I want you to know marriage is more than a venue or a menu. It’s far more than The Perfect Day or saying yes to the dress.”
    
   Well, let’s be honest. This wedding has been fun to plan. It really, truly has. And I am in love with my dress. And I am so excited about those dark purple roses. And I DO love the fairytale. And I don’t see anything wrong with that. I think we SHOULD celebrate love in a big way. But I also think that I needed to ask myself this question. And the answer? I want the marriage. I want the long-haul for our relationship. I want to grow old together and still be best friends and have long conversations. I want the awful, ugliest fights where we scream and yell until we’re blue in the face. As long as we come back to us when we’re done. I want someone to be my partner in making life’s decisions. I want to be there for him to lean on when he is dealing with grief, sadness, happiness, or any other thing that passes through. I want to spend every moment working on us, learning about us, and sometimes failing at us. But when times are hard and dark, then we have to fight that much harder; not walk away. I want it all. And the amazing thing is, Andrew wants this, too. We talk about it, very openly. When we were new and fresh in our relationship and learning about our love, he said to me, “It is so easy to love you when things are good. It is easy to love at the top of the mountain. But I want to see us love each other when we are in our deepest valley. Then climb back to the top of the mountain hand in hand.”
    
2. Am I still a strong, confident woman, or am I defined solely by my relationship? Could I survive without it?

This was my scariest question to ask. I didn’t want to. But I did. And guess what?! After a very honest, soul-searching session, I realized not only am I a strong woman, I am actually strongER and MORE confident now that I have Andrew. What I went through in my previous relationship – what we all so affectionately refer to as my LifeTime movie that puts Sharknado to shame – almost broke me. But only almost. The most amazing thing happened. I had this awful human being put me through hell, and at the end of it I actually felt GOOD. I came through on the other side, looked back and thought, “Well. Huh. If I can survive that then I can handle quite a bit!” And then, even more amazing, I truly began to look at the situation as making me a better person. I suddenly realized my own strength. I suddenly knew what I would and would NOT take from someone in a relationship. I now knew exactly what I needed – not just wanted – needed out of a relationship and settling for less just simply wasn’t fair to me. I didn’t have to have a boyfriend to define me. I didn’t need a man for me to feel worthy. And I most certainly did not have to change who I am, how I act, what I say, or what I believe just to make him like me. I suddenly became….me. Just me. And it felt amazing!! I wasn’t looking for a relationship at all when I met Andrew. Oh gosh, that was the last thing in the world I needed! The comical part of our story is that I actually met him online while I was in the middle of deleting my entire online dating account. But something made me click on him. And I fought it so hard, knowing being in a relationship was probably at the bottom of my to-do list. But it quickly became evident that he was different. We were different. And within one day of us meeting, I laid it all out on the table for him. I told him who I was, what I needed, and basically said if you can’t handle that buddy have a nice life! And he gave it right back to me. And we thought…okay. Let’s try this.

Almost two years later, here we are on the cusp of our wedding, and I am stronger and more confident than ever. I don’t need Andrew in order to define me. I am me, with or without him, in many ways. In that article I referenced earlier, the mom wrote to her daughters,

“Most of all, I want you to know love. The kind of love your dad and I have that lasts through heartache and headaches. I want you to know that you are loved. You don’t have to earn or achieve it. It’s not dependent on a good hair day or bad. It’s not something you can lose. Whether you’re swept off your feet or remain a confidant single woman, you are enough.”

 

I am enough. BUT….how amazing is it that I have this incredible man added to my life, enriching my life, fulfilling my life every day? I choose to love him. He chooses to love me. We choose to work hard. How freaking awesome is that?! Each of us is enough. But together, we are endless.

 

1. Is marriage necessary? I mean, we live together, we love. Why rock the boat?

This is probably not only the question I hated to ask myself, but also the question that I think other people are secretly thinking and don’t want to ask. But I asked myself. And although my answer is a bit redundant in terms of the whole “Do I want the marriage” thing, I will add this. Yes. We live together, our lives are intertwined, our families have pretty much already gotten used to having that extra “son” or “daughter” around. And Lord knows my sisters would be the first to tell me I don’t need no man. (I have six former brothers-in-law. I do not have six sisters. You do the math.)

But it is not just about the relationship between Andrew and I. Although I know many of you will likely be surprised by this (is anyone even still reading at this point!?), one of the biggest foundations of our relationship is God. We lean on Him. We pray together. When we struggle, we have faith as our foundation. And it is very, very important to both of us to take vows and honor them. Not just a repeat-after-me shindig to check off the boxes in the ceremony. But true vows that we are taking, out loud, before God and family. Two become one. That is something we talk about frequently. Again: Two become One. I am making the decision to change my last name to Gehring. I want us to be the Gehrings. Not in some submissive way, or some way all of my feminist friends I’m sure deem demeaning, but because I want to. I want to take those vows, I want to take his name, I want us to be a true family unit. I can re-hash all of the reasons I want a marriage, but I won’t. And I do respect that every woman out there makes her own, strong, confident decisions. I love that! I am simply explaining mine. I don’t want to live the next ten years being boyfriend and girlfriend. I want to be husband and wife, before God and family, and take all that comes with it.

Okay, at the risk of this post being 18 pages long – front and back – I will bring this to a close. That article struck a chord with me this morning on something that I have already been thinking a lot about lately. I am SO excited for everything – this man, this marriage, this wedding – and I can barely think of much else. But in ten, twenty, or fifty years I should hope that we are not still thinking about the color of our flowers or whether or not the ring bearer cooperated. I would hope, and sincerely pray, that we are thinking about our marriage, our faith, and our vows. I hope we are still having conversations. I hope we are still fighting. I hope we are sitting on some porch somewhere watching our children (likely misbehaving). I’ll leave you with the end of the article:

“I have seen how fast time flies. I know the days are long and the years are short. I put away the toys and clothes you outgrow regularly. I know while I write this, one of you is practicing eye shadow upstairs and the other is practicing cartwheels in the yard, and I will blink and it will be time to give you away.

You are just beginning to dream. Don’t stop.

And on this regular summer Monday, I want you to know that my wedding wasn’t much.

But my marriage is more.”

 

I love you Andrew Wilson Gehring. Marry me. J